Sometimes I wonder if life as a college student is possible without parties and drinking and sex and obsessing about physicality. I know this is a foolish thought, and as I look around at the majority of my friends it becomes clear that this life is possible, but sometimes it's so overwhelming to be the minority. Looking through photos of other girls faking their happiness with Coors bottles in their hands has a funny way of making me feel inferior, which is interesting because I know the happiness they're attempting to portray is fake, or at least temporary. I thank God that life like that doesn't appeal to me.
I also thank God that I am learning to rest in my uniqueness. I am well aware of how I'm "different" as my grandma might say. I recognize the fact that I have more friends that are in their 30's and 40's than my own age. I realize that the choices I make don't make me cool as much as they make me the good daughter. I'm aware that most people still see me as a kid, even though I'm twenty years old. I know all of this, and i know that some people would rather die than walk a mile in my shoes because i have no relevance at the end of the day or because heads don't turn when I walk through a door. But what many of them are missing is true life. True breath and joy and peace and laughter. Honesty and love with no agenda and beauty that isn't in the form of makeup or a good bra. And that's what I'm out to find, and i'm willing to sacrifice "the college experience" to find it.
11.28.2009
11.26.2009
In the spirit of the holiday,
here are some of the things i'm thankful for.
1. The fact that i'm alive despite such a delicate existance. The way humongous things such as the moon and sun and tiny things such as the molecules that make me all work together in harmony so that I may live.
2. The people in my live who hold my heart: Pamela, Madison, Kimberly, Adam, Kristin, Crystal. They strengthen me and make me feel lucky to be alive.
3. My heart's desire to never live in apathy. The desperation within me to live my life to the fullest.
4. My Discovery! class-162. Never have I seen such a ordinary group of people do things so extraordinary.
5. Discovery in general, and the passion and dedication that has been put into the program.
6. Fair trade coffee and chocolate and whatever else I can get my hands on.
7. The rare but significant occasion in which I can have an enjoyable conversation with my mom or dad that isn't ruined by one of us being a jerk.
8. The fact that Adam and Kristin don't bail on me even when I seem to disappear on them.
9. Cornerstone.
10. Kelli Boyle and all that she's taught me and done for me.
11. The Village Church, and their dedication to truth instead of telling me what I want to hear.
12. My car and two stable jobs.
13. The fact that I have never had to worry about what my next meal will be or where I'll sleep.
14. My physical ability to do things I love.
15. My joy for rock climbing and gymnastics.
16. Ashlee and all she's taught me.
17. My bedroom
18. This blue blanket I have that is just soft and amazing.
19. Bible study
20. Bologna sandwiches, fruit salad, sour patch kids and sweet tea. Not all at once though :)
21. The fact that I'm able to appreciate beauty in things now that I couldn't before.
22. The freedom in knowing that God desires for me to enjoy my life, the fact that my joy glorifies Him.
23. The fact that He doesn't let me go despite any mistakes, doubt, or fear on my part. None of that adds up to anything to Him.
24. Books and my book shelf.
25. My drive to do well in school.
26. Seattle.
27. My husband. The fact that He's going to love the Lord and we're going to grow to be more like Christ because we're together.
28. Scripture.
29. So You Think You Can Dance!
30. Music and what it does to the soul.
1. The fact that i'm alive despite such a delicate existance. The way humongous things such as the moon and sun and tiny things such as the molecules that make me all work together in harmony so that I may live.
2. The people in my live who hold my heart: Pamela, Madison, Kimberly, Adam, Kristin, Crystal. They strengthen me and make me feel lucky to be alive.
3. My heart's desire to never live in apathy. The desperation within me to live my life to the fullest.
4. My Discovery! class-162. Never have I seen such a ordinary group of people do things so extraordinary.
5. Discovery in general, and the passion and dedication that has been put into the program.
6. Fair trade coffee and chocolate and whatever else I can get my hands on.
7. The rare but significant occasion in which I can have an enjoyable conversation with my mom or dad that isn't ruined by one of us being a jerk.
8. The fact that Adam and Kristin don't bail on me even when I seem to disappear on them.
9. Cornerstone.
10. Kelli Boyle and all that she's taught me and done for me.
11. The Village Church, and their dedication to truth instead of telling me what I want to hear.
12. My car and two stable jobs.
13. The fact that I have never had to worry about what my next meal will be or where I'll sleep.
14. My physical ability to do things I love.
15. My joy for rock climbing and gymnastics.
16. Ashlee and all she's taught me.
17. My bedroom
18. This blue blanket I have that is just soft and amazing.
19. Bible study
20. Bologna sandwiches, fruit salad, sour patch kids and sweet tea. Not all at once though :)
21. The fact that I'm able to appreciate beauty in things now that I couldn't before.
22. The freedom in knowing that God desires for me to enjoy my life, the fact that my joy glorifies Him.
23. The fact that He doesn't let me go despite any mistakes, doubt, or fear on my part. None of that adds up to anything to Him.
24. Books and my book shelf.
25. My drive to do well in school.
26. Seattle.
27. My husband. The fact that He's going to love the Lord and we're going to grow to be more like Christ because we're together.
28. Scripture.
29. So You Think You Can Dance!
30. Music and what it does to the soul.
11.25.2009
I feel like I have a lot to say, and yet nothing that's really worth saying at all, so here's a list of things of my mind.
1. I just watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas. Wow, what a powerful message. That's one of those movies I don't want to forget about.
2. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I really have no significant thoughts about it except that last year on thanksgiving my hair looked awesome and madison, hannah, aunt cheryl, my mom and I played cranium and it was fun. This year we're having thanksgiving at Aunt Cheryl's and then i'm going to the Hafemanns to spend time with kimberly and everyone else there.
3. Speaking of the Hafemann's, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Kent is such a gentle man. We hardly ever get to talk but he knows about me, he keeps up with me. The time he spends with me matters to him, and that matters to me. Kimberly is such a firm woman of God. She seems to waver less than anyone I know. I'm so appreciative for her wisdom and the strength she gives to me. And Pamela, gosh i just love her so much. What a beautiful woman. What selflessness and dedication to the Lord. I've never seen God in anyone as much as I do her.
4. I may coach for Rob for his level 2 team. I'm still not sure if this is where I should or want to be.
5. My motivation lately has been about a negative 5. I've worked out a whole TWO times in the last 3 weeks. Homework is trumped by movies and facebook. And it seems like I can't get into The Word without kicking and screaming. Part of me just wants to wait it out and the other part is begging that part of me to wake up.
6. I just got my hair done. It's fantastic.
7. There's a chance I'm going to spend my summer in Ethiopia. I don't want to start getting used to the idea because it's definitely not for sure, but the idea gets me excited.
8. I hate that I haven't finished my senior scrapbook.
9. I think I've developed a small complex about not being a great writer.
10. I'm apathetic, and that scares me. But then I guess fear isn't apathy.
1. I just watched The Boy in Striped Pajamas. Wow, what a powerful message. That's one of those movies I don't want to forget about.
2. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I really have no significant thoughts about it except that last year on thanksgiving my hair looked awesome and madison, hannah, aunt cheryl, my mom and I played cranium and it was fun. This year we're having thanksgiving at Aunt Cheryl's and then i'm going to the Hafemanns to spend time with kimberly and everyone else there.
3. Speaking of the Hafemann's, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Kent is such a gentle man. We hardly ever get to talk but he knows about me, he keeps up with me. The time he spends with me matters to him, and that matters to me. Kimberly is such a firm woman of God. She seems to waver less than anyone I know. I'm so appreciative for her wisdom and the strength she gives to me. And Pamela, gosh i just love her so much. What a beautiful woman. What selflessness and dedication to the Lord. I've never seen God in anyone as much as I do her.
4. I may coach for Rob for his level 2 team. I'm still not sure if this is where I should or want to be.
5. My motivation lately has been about a negative 5. I've worked out a whole TWO times in the last 3 weeks. Homework is trumped by movies and facebook. And it seems like I can't get into The Word without kicking and screaming. Part of me just wants to wait it out and the other part is begging that part of me to wake up.
6. I just got my hair done. It's fantastic.
7. There's a chance I'm going to spend my summer in Ethiopia. I don't want to start getting used to the idea because it's definitely not for sure, but the idea gets me excited.
8. I hate that I haven't finished my senior scrapbook.
9. I think I've developed a small complex about not being a great writer.
10. I'm apathetic, and that scares me. But then I guess fear isn't apathy.
11.15.2009
upanddownandupanddown
I think if my life were charted in terms of the crests and troughs I feel I'm in, I'd be a little embarassed to show it to anyone. There are the ups and downs and then within those are even more up and downs, and on and on until it's clear that I change my mind "like a girl changes clothes" as Katy Perry would say.
So where am I right now? Well I just got back from church, and feel filled with hope. So that's an up. But within that, I've felt so alone this past month or so. I've got so many people in my life who I love deeply, but no one person in particular with whom I share my whole heart. That trough lies within an even bigger one. My faith in my God has been very much a struggle. I function on a blind faith right now, and it really has taken a toll on my joy and fullness. It's hard to feel full with a God whose existence you question.
BUT within all of this, the most important and permanent up (or down) a person can be in is their standing before God. I am a daughter of the King. And that trumps every little thing that seems to go wrong in my very finite life. This is why I have reason to hope, reason to wait it out. No amount of troughs can even come close to the hope that I have in Christ.
So where am I right now? Well I just got back from church, and feel filled with hope. So that's an up. But within that, I've felt so alone this past month or so. I've got so many people in my life who I love deeply, but no one person in particular with whom I share my whole heart. That trough lies within an even bigger one. My faith in my God has been very much a struggle. I function on a blind faith right now, and it really has taken a toll on my joy and fullness. It's hard to feel full with a God whose existence you question.
BUT within all of this, the most important and permanent up (or down) a person can be in is their standing before God. I am a daughter of the King. And that trumps every little thing that seems to go wrong in my very finite life. This is why I have reason to hope, reason to wait it out. No amount of troughs can even come close to the hope that I have in Christ.
I'm not much of a writer. I hope that's okay.
I'm not much of a writer. Let's just get that out there right now. As I peek into the blogs of friends and acquaintances, I feel a bit intimidated by the creativity and beauty that are found in their words. I wish writing was a gift I have but since it isn't, I'm going to blog for me. I suppose that's what it should be about anyway. I suppose it's whatever I want it to be. I suppose it really doesn't matter at. all.
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