I'm finding it hard to love myself lately. Physically, I mean. After Discovery I've been pretty consistently content with myself, remembering how many times I heard the word "beautiful" directed towards me and daily seeing the crocheted bracelet on my wrist that reminds me that I'm worthy. But lately those things have only been dim shadows to the much louder voices that scream that I'm horrifying, disgusting and so completely insufficient. God's allowed me to get so many things from my head to my heart, but my self worth is not one of those things. Not yet, at least.
The funny thing, though, is that I used to pride myself on not being vain. I used to turn my nose up to people who spent hours in front of the mirror and obsessed over shopping and constantly looking perfect, because I would never do things like that... But something He's taught me is that I'm playing the exact same game as they are, just on the opposite end of it. The truth is that all of those things, a beautiful face, flawless hair, small waist, they're all as important to me as they are to everyone else, it's just that because I don't believe that I can achieve those things, I give up on it all together and wallow in self pity instead. That is not freedom, that is just as much bondage as the girl who constantly turns heads but is never satisfied with her life.
So what does freedom look like? I think I have a good idea. I think it's having pride in yourself but not being prideful. It's looking nice because you love yourself, but not because you're in love with yourself. It's not starving yourself, but also not overeating because you figure "what's the use?". It's focusing on how God values you and not how others value you, and realizing that the woman of God is not beautiful because of her small waist or blond hair, but because of her heart and her desire to glorify God in all she does.
God, help me.
