Today is a good day. Like a real good day. I wish I could really express the quiet but very real excitement in me about this new adventure I'm finding myself in. A godly man is something I wasn't sure I'd find, and to have one in my life is really pretty mind-blowing. I get this feeling that this is going to be very, very good. Hard? Yeah. A learning experience? Oh, yeah. But good, too. It's going to be good, and to realize that is so refreshing and beautiful. Praise God that he would bless me with this despite the fact that even my greatest works are filthy rags. What a loving and compassionate God I serve!

I wish I had any sort of words for where I'm at right now. Unfortunately, one side affect of my current weird, weird, weirdness is an inability to put into words anything with any sort of depth.

Here's what I do know,
I need His help.
I need wisdom, and strength, and faith, and help.

For Brittany.

By the time I post this, today will be gone. But as of right now, today marks three years since the day you left us. Looking back, I can't believe how much has changed, and how much your death directly affected change in my life. Saying goodbye to Golden Triangle. Making a new (but not nearly as amazing) family at a new gym. Getting to know your family more than I ever imagined I would.

Today sucks to put it bluntly, but even more so than most July 23's, because I think today might just mark the end of this phase of my life. I've managed to mess things up pretty good with all the people and places that tie me to you, remind me of you. The truth is, I'm pretty broken up about it. All the people that I would have spent time with today aren't speaking to me. And I stormed out of the gym today, and I'm going to be leaving there very soon for the last time. When I look back on today, I'm mad and sad about the fact that I had to do today alone. The fact that no one I spoke to today knew you or loved you or could celebrate your life with me. It's like pulling off a band-aid, the thought that your memory couldn't hold us together forever.

I feel like I owe you an apology for not being able to take care of your family. Your mom just won't let go. She's comfortable in her pain, and I hurt so much for her because she has managed to let two people die trying so desperately to not forget you. She doesn't understand that remembering you and celebrating your life doesn't have to take away from hers. And Josh, I should have spent more time with him when he still wanted to spend time with me. I should have been more intentional. I should have listened more and maybe talked less. I should have filled the role of all aspects of big sister and not just the big sister who tells you when you're being an idiot. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for them, I truly am.

The fact that your mom has made herself so miserable hanging on to you has made me question some of my actions. I deleted your number from my phone, just yesterday. I just never wanted to, but I needed to take that active step in "letting you go" because if I didn't, I was afraid maybe I wasn't fully living like your mom isn't fully living because she's trying so hard to bring you back. And I know now that it's okay that I deleted your number. And it's okay that I want to move on. Moving on isn't forgetting. It's okay to move on. And I have after all this time, but it was just never on purpose. I have been very passive in it these past three years so that I wouldn't feel like I was doing something wrong, but now I know that I'm not. You would have known that, because you were much more mature than I am.

I might do this again, but probably not. So for the last time, let me tell you how much I truly love and miss you. And how much I adore you as a person. I've always wished I was half the person that you are. And how much I wish you hadn't left because from what I can see, nothing's changed for the better. Except that maybe I know not to waste my life now. But other than that, I wish so much that you hadn't left us. But even though we may not be the family that we once were, we all honor you and love you and remember you in our own individual ways. You are very much the thread that ties us all together, regardlesss of how many days or months or years we may go without talking. I will say what I said the first time. I can only hope and pray that your death has brought Him glory. And I guess I know that it has, because He is glorified in everything. I guess that has to be enough for me tonight, and for the rest of the time I get down here. I love you, Brit.
Bre

It's one of those days (I have them often) where I feel I have so much to say, but not one thing in particular that is blog-worthy. You know what that means don't you? It means I'm going to make a list of things on my mind, because I'm just SURE that they need to be heard.

1. I've got my own place. This is a fact that settled in about a week ago, but I'm trying to stretch out that Oh My Gosh!! feeling as long as I can, because life is just more exciting that way.

2. Really though, I love it. It's like having a sleep over every night which gets the child in me really excited.

3. My roomate just made us fair trade brownies. A fact that also gets me really excited.

4. I feel so much regret lately for not pouring into the lives of the people I love like I want to be.

5. I keep wondering when life is going to start feeling real again.

6. An old friendship is making it's way back into my life. And I wish I had the wisdom to know how to deal with it. I really wish I could hear God in it.

7. When I went home the other day, I almost cried seeing my dogs. It's truly the first time that I realized that I like them.

8. I feel like God has put some serious blinders on me lately. I think it's a humility thing, but it just feels annoying.

9. Soymilk has recently become a regular part of my life.

10. So has running. I love the endorphins.

imperfections.

I'm finding it hard to love myself lately. Physically, I mean. After Discovery I've been pretty consistently content with myself, remembering how many times I heard the word "beautiful" directed towards me and daily seeing the crocheted bracelet on my wrist that reminds me that I'm worthy. But lately those things have only been dim shadows to the much louder voices that scream that I'm horrifying, disgusting and so completely insufficient. God's allowed me to get so many things from my head to my heart, but my self worth is not one of those things. Not yet, at least.
The funny thing, though, is that I used to pride myself on not being vain. I used to turn my nose up to people who spent hours in front of the mirror and obsessed over shopping and constantly looking perfect, because I would never do things like that... But something He's taught me is that I'm playing the exact same game as they are, just on the opposite end of it. The truth is that all of those things, a beautiful face, flawless hair, small waist, they're all as important to me as they are to everyone else, it's just that because I don't believe that I can achieve those things, I give up on it all together and wallow in self pity instead. That is not freedom, that is just as much bondage as the girl who constantly turns heads but is never satisfied with her life.
So what does freedom look like? I think I have a good idea. I think it's having pride in yourself but not being prideful. It's looking nice because you love yourself, but not because you're in love with yourself. It's not starving yourself, but also not overeating because you figure "what's the use?". It's focusing on how God values you and not how others value you, and realizing that the woman of God is not beautiful because of her small waist or blond hair, but because of her heart and her desire to glorify God in all she does.
God, help me.

Tapes

In one of those moods where you know it's not worth your time, but self pity is all too easy to swim in. I'll be back tomorrow.

What I've been learning

These past few months have been interesting to say the least. I feel I've spent the majority of this time thinking on who I am and why I'm here and who Christ is and what that means for me. And let me tell you, the answers are staggering.
God so graciously put several things in my life at once to bring me to the place I'm at now. It started with Leslie inviting me to meet some friends of hers that I'd never met. I'd heard a lot about them and their faithfulness to the Lord and their giving Him priority in everything. I was pretty sure I'd like them, but after less them 6 months of knowing them, I can now easily say I love them. Kent has the most beautiful blend of humility, leadership, intelligence, intuition and love that I've ever seen in a man. He's so gentle with his words and affection, yet he does not let that gentleness get in the way of being the man God's called Him to be. I love Him because he challenges their family and anyone else who lives there at any moment to do all that they can with their God-given abilities for Him. He is the most beautiful picture of a father I've ever seen. And right along side Him is the most awesome mother, Pamela. She has taught me so much about being a woman of God, and so much about being a leader and a mentor which is what I believe God has put on my heart for the future. She has shown me about patience, and gentleness, and honesty even when it might hurt. Through her, I have began to understand physical affection, which I had never known or been comfortable with before. And within their home are several men and women who are pursuing the Lord through their struggles and joys and just doing life together in a very honest and beautiful way. They've all taught me a tremendous amount and through them as a whole, I have learned about biblical community, and how to just relax and enjoy the company of others, without feeling any obligation to be someone fantastic or fun, just to be me.
The Hafemann's are really the foundation to how the rest of the things that really changed me these past few months came about. Once I got to know them a little better, a few of us decided to do a Bible study together. The first study we did wasn't the greatest, but it did get me into the habit of finishing what I start and being accountable to doing the study even though I didn't love it. But when we started our second study shortly after, using The Search for Significance, that's when things really got rolling. I highly recommend the book to anyone who is a believer. It is packed with truth that is hard to find elsewhere. The book can be challenging sometimes, because it requires you to be honest with yourself and those you're sharing with, but it's brought me so much healing and freedom.
In the middle of the study, the Hafemanns, along with Kimberly, another one of my favorite women of God, convinced me to go through Discovery (http://www.discovery-training.net/). I had decided I wasn't going to go, because I had been told by some other people that I didn't need it and had been told all the details of the training. But Pamela one night asked me if I could think of a good reason NOT to go. I couldn't and so off I was to Discovery. After the first weekend of Discovery, I was on fire for the program. Without ruining what it's all about, I'll just say that many people in my class of 31 experienced significant freedom from the things that had bound them their whole lives. To this day, almost nothing gets me as excited as remembering the faces of some of my classmates before Discovery and how they changed after it. They were young again, the life that had been drained from their faces for so long was back, and there was joy in their eyes. It's one of the most awesome miracles I've ever seen. Everyone got something a little different from the program, but for me, the word that resounds is that I am worthy. I'm worthy of love and affection and a decent man in my life, and friends that won't take advantage of me. There's nothing insignificant about me. This truth is something that I struggle with from time to time, but it's hard now to look in the mirror and tell myself otherwise because when I try, I've got a sea of faces in my head telling me I'm wrong. So then D2 was two months later, and I come back to the same group of people who I love dearly and who love me, and I begin to learn about who I am right now and how I act out and more importantly why I act out. I realize that I am pretty much an angry person. I use my insecurities to justify lashing out at others and treating them like crap. It wasn't my favorite thing in the whole world, but I came home with a new perspective on some relationships in my life. Since then, I've been doing my best to turn those things in me around little by little and become someone who is confident in the fact that I am worthy, instead of sucking the life out of everyone else so they can't hurt me.

So after D!!, the bible study really began to emphasize the believer's worth in Christ. It explains that we are fully forgiven, fully loved, and complete in Christ. These are all facts that I knew before, but God has been so graceful to let these truths make their way from my head to my heart, so that now when I come across some old cliche saying about God that I've heard a million times, it resounds with me and brings me to a place of gratefulness. I remember reading Blue Like Jazz and reading about how Don Miller met someone who was truly in love with the Lord, to the point that it brought the man to tears. And in that moment, Don wondered when and if he would reach a place of love like that for Christ. Well he did, and as I read about how Don reached that place, I knew I had yet to reach it, and that I wanted it more than anything. Well I believe that I have begun to taste that truth, so that now the sacrifice of Christ isn't just a story about a guy I know of, but a work of art of the Creator of the universe meant for me. Worship overflows from my heart now, and thanking God in nearly every prayer I send His way is only natural. Let me emphasize that these things have nothing to do with what I've learned, or what I've done, but what God has so graciously done in me. And he is faithful, he will continue to show me the great joy that can be found in Him, I can guarantee it.
And He can do that for you too. If Jesus is just still some old fable to you, know that God is more than able to transform your mind so that these truths are real for you. It's not voodoo, it's the reality of being a Christian. Pray for Him to bring you to that place, and anticipate that He will.