These past few months have been interesting to say the least. I feel I've spent the majority of this time thinking on who I am and why I'm here and who Christ is and what that means for me. And let me tell you, the answers are staggering.
God so graciously put several things in my life at once to bring me to the place I'm at now. It started with Leslie inviting me to meet some friends of hers that I'd never met. I'd heard a lot about them and their faithfulness to the Lord and their giving Him priority in everything. I was pretty sure I'd like them, but after less them 6 months of knowing them, I can now easily say I love them. Kent has the most beautiful blend of humility, leadership, intelligence, intuition and love that I've ever seen in a man. He's so gentle with his words and affection, yet he does not let that gentleness get in the way of being the man God's called Him to be. I love Him because he challenges their family and anyone else who lives there at any moment to do all that they can with their God-given abilities for Him. He is the most beautiful picture of a father I've ever seen. And right along side Him is the most awesome mother, Pamela. She has taught me so much about being a woman of God, and so much about being a leader and a mentor which is what I believe God has put on my heart for the future. She has shown me about patience, and gentleness, and honesty even when it might hurt. Through her, I have began to understand physical affection, which I had never known or been comfortable with before. And within their home are several men and women who are pursuing the Lord through their struggles and joys and just doing life together in a very honest and beautiful way. They've all taught me a tremendous amount and through them as a whole, I have learned about biblical community, and how to just relax and enjoy the company of others, without feeling any obligation to be someone fantastic or fun, just to be me.
The Hafemann's are really the foundation to how the rest of the things that really changed me these past few months came about. Once I got to know them a little better, a few of us decided to do a Bible study together. The first study we did wasn't the greatest, but it did get me into the habit of finishing what I start and being accountable to doing the study even though I didn't love it. But when we started our second study shortly after, using The Search for Significance, that's when things really got rolling. I highly recommend the book to anyone who is a believer. It is packed with truth that is hard to find elsewhere. The book can be challenging sometimes, because it requires you to be honest with yourself and those you're sharing with, but it's brought me so much healing and freedom.
In the middle of the study, the Hafemanns, along with Kimberly, another one of my favorite women of God, convinced me to go through Discovery (http://www.discovery-training.net/). I had decided I wasn't going to go, because I had been told by some other people that I didn't need it and had been told all the details of the training. But Pamela one night asked me if I could think of a good reason NOT to go. I couldn't and so off I was to Discovery. After the first weekend of Discovery, I was on fire for the program. Without ruining what it's all about, I'll just say that many people in my class of 31 experienced significant freedom from the things that had bound them their whole lives. To this day, almost nothing gets me as excited as remembering the faces of some of my classmates before Discovery and how they changed after it. They were young again, the life that had been drained from their faces for so long was back, and there was joy in their eyes. It's one of the most awesome miracles I've ever seen. Everyone got something a little different from the program, but for me, the word that resounds is that I am worthy. I'm worthy of love and affection and a decent man in my life, and friends that won't take advantage of me. There's nothing insignificant about me. This truth is something that I struggle with from time to time, but it's hard now to look in the mirror and tell myself otherwise because when I try, I've got a sea of faces in my head telling me I'm wrong. So then D2 was two months later, and I come back to the same group of people who I love dearly and who love me, and I begin to learn about who I am right now and how I act out and more importantly why I act out. I realize that I am pretty much an angry person. I use my insecurities to justify lashing out at others and treating them like crap. It wasn't my favorite thing in the whole world, but I came home with a new perspective on some relationships in my life. Since then, I've been doing my best to turn those things in me around little by little and become someone who is confident in the fact that I am worthy, instead of sucking the life out of everyone else so they can't hurt me.
So after D!!, the bible study really began to emphasize the believer's worth in Christ. It explains that we are fully forgiven, fully loved, and complete in Christ. These are all facts that I knew before, but God has been so graceful to let these truths make their way from my head to my heart, so that now when I come across some old cliche saying about God that I've heard a million times, it resounds with me and brings me to a place of gratefulness. I remember reading Blue Like Jazz and reading about how Don Miller met someone who was truly in love with the Lord, to the point that it brought the man to tears. And in that moment, Don wondered when and if he would reach a place of love like that for Christ. Well he did, and as I read about how Don reached that place, I knew I had yet to reach it, and that I wanted it more than anything. Well I believe that I have begun to taste that truth, so that now the sacrifice of Christ isn't just a story about a guy I know of, but a work of art of the Creator of the universe meant for me. Worship overflows from my heart now, and thanking God in nearly every prayer I send His way is only natural. Let me emphasize that these things have nothing to do with what I've learned, or what I've done, but what God has so graciously done in me. And he is faithful, he will continue to show me the great joy that can be found in Him, I can guarantee it.
And He can do that for you too. If Jesus is just still some old fable to you, know that God is more than able to transform your mind so that these truths are real for you. It's not voodoo, it's the reality of being a Christian. Pray for Him to bring you to that place, and anticipate that He will.
