to
find
me.
(This blog is about as vague as my idea of what that means.)
(Wish me luck!)
1.06.2011
10.07.2010
Today is a good day. Like a real good day. I wish I could really express the quiet but very real excitement in me about this new adventure I'm finding myself in. A godly man is something I wasn't sure I'd find, and to have one in my life is really pretty mind-blowing. I get this feeling that this is going to be very, very good. Hard? Yeah. A learning experience? Oh, yeah. But good, too. It's going to be good, and to realize that is so refreshing and beautiful. Praise God that he would bless me with this despite the fact that even my greatest works are filthy rags. What a loving and compassionate God I serve!
9.18.2010
7.23.2010
For Brittany.
By the time I post this, today will be gone. But as of right now, today marks three years since the day you left us. Looking back, I can't believe how much has changed, and how much your death directly affected change in my life. Saying goodbye to Golden Triangle. Making a new (but not nearly as amazing) family at a new gym. Getting to know your family more than I ever imagined I would.
Today sucks to put it bluntly, but even more so than most July 23's, because I think today might just mark the end of this phase of my life. I've managed to mess things up pretty good with all the people and places that tie me to you, remind me of you. The truth is, I'm pretty broken up about it. All the people that I would have spent time with today aren't speaking to me. And I stormed out of the gym today, and I'm going to be leaving there very soon for the last time. When I look back on today, I'm mad and sad about the fact that I had to do today alone. The fact that no one I spoke to today knew you or loved you or could celebrate your life with me. It's like pulling off a band-aid, the thought that your memory couldn't hold us together forever.
I feel like I owe you an apology for not being able to take care of your family. Your mom just won't let go. She's comfortable in her pain, and I hurt so much for her because she has managed to let two people die trying so desperately to not forget you. She doesn't understand that remembering you and celebrating your life doesn't have to take away from hers. And Josh, I should have spent more time with him when he still wanted to spend time with me. I should have been more intentional. I should have listened more and maybe talked less. I should have filled the role of all aspects of big sister and not just the big sister who tells you when you're being an idiot. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for them, I truly am.
The fact that your mom has made herself so miserable hanging on to you has made me question some of my actions. I deleted your number from my phone, just yesterday. I just never wanted to, but I needed to take that active step in "letting you go" because if I didn't, I was afraid maybe I wasn't fully living like your mom isn't fully living because she's trying so hard to bring you back. And I know now that it's okay that I deleted your number. And it's okay that I want to move on. Moving on isn't forgetting. It's okay to move on. And I have after all this time, but it was just never on purpose. I have been very passive in it these past three years so that I wouldn't feel like I was doing something wrong, but now I know that I'm not. You would have known that, because you were much more mature than I am.
I might do this again, but probably not. So for the last time, let me tell you how much I truly love and miss you. And how much I adore you as a person. I've always wished I was half the person that you are. And how much I wish you hadn't left because from what I can see, nothing's changed for the better. Except that maybe I know not to waste my life now. But other than that, I wish so much that you hadn't left us. But even though we may not be the family that we once were, we all honor you and love you and remember you in our own individual ways. You are very much the thread that ties us all together, regardlesss of how many days or months or years we may go without talking. I will say what I said the first time. I can only hope and pray that your death has brought Him glory. And I guess I know that it has, because He is glorified in everything. I guess that has to be enough for me tonight, and for the rest of the time I get down here. I love you, Brit.
Bre
Today sucks to put it bluntly, but even more so than most July 23's, because I think today might just mark the end of this phase of my life. I've managed to mess things up pretty good with all the people and places that tie me to you, remind me of you. The truth is, I'm pretty broken up about it. All the people that I would have spent time with today aren't speaking to me. And I stormed out of the gym today, and I'm going to be leaving there very soon for the last time. When I look back on today, I'm mad and sad about the fact that I had to do today alone. The fact that no one I spoke to today knew you or loved you or could celebrate your life with me. It's like pulling off a band-aid, the thought that your memory couldn't hold us together forever.
I feel like I owe you an apology for not being able to take care of your family. Your mom just won't let go. She's comfortable in her pain, and I hurt so much for her because she has managed to let two people die trying so desperately to not forget you. She doesn't understand that remembering you and celebrating your life doesn't have to take away from hers. And Josh, I should have spent more time with him when he still wanted to spend time with me. I should have been more intentional. I should have listened more and maybe talked less. I should have filled the role of all aspects of big sister and not just the big sister who tells you when you're being an idiot. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for them, I truly am.
The fact that your mom has made herself so miserable hanging on to you has made me question some of my actions. I deleted your number from my phone, just yesterday. I just never wanted to, but I needed to take that active step in "letting you go" because if I didn't, I was afraid maybe I wasn't fully living like your mom isn't fully living because she's trying so hard to bring you back. And I know now that it's okay that I deleted your number. And it's okay that I want to move on. Moving on isn't forgetting. It's okay to move on. And I have after all this time, but it was just never on purpose. I have been very passive in it these past three years so that I wouldn't feel like I was doing something wrong, but now I know that I'm not. You would have known that, because you were much more mature than I am.
I might do this again, but probably not. So for the last time, let me tell you how much I truly love and miss you. And how much I adore you as a person. I've always wished I was half the person that you are. And how much I wish you hadn't left because from what I can see, nothing's changed for the better. Except that maybe I know not to waste my life now. But other than that, I wish so much that you hadn't left us. But even though we may not be the family that we once were, we all honor you and love you and remember you in our own individual ways. You are very much the thread that ties us all together, regardlesss of how many days or months or years we may go without talking. I will say what I said the first time. I can only hope and pray that your death has brought Him glory. And I guess I know that it has, because He is glorified in everything. I guess that has to be enough for me tonight, and for the rest of the time I get down here. I love you, Brit.
Bre
5.24.2010
It's one of those days (I have them often) where I feel I have so much to say, but not one thing in particular that is blog-worthy. You know what that means don't you? It means I'm going to make a list of things on my mind, because I'm just SURE that they need to be heard.
1. I've got my own place. This is a fact that settled in about a week ago, but I'm trying to stretch out that Oh My Gosh!! feeling as long as I can, because life is just more exciting that way.
2. Really though, I love it. It's like having a sleep over every night which gets the child in me really excited.
3. My roomate just made us fair trade brownies. A fact that also gets me really excited.
4. I feel so much regret lately for not pouring into the lives of the people I love like I want to be.
5. I keep wondering when life is going to start feeling real again.
6. An old friendship is making it's way back into my life. And I wish I had the wisdom to know how to deal with it. I really wish I could hear God in it.
7. When I went home the other day, I almost cried seeing my dogs. It's truly the first time that I realized that I like them.
8. I feel like God has put some serious blinders on me lately. I think it's a humility thing, but it just feels annoying.
9. Soymilk has recently become a regular part of my life.
10. So has running. I love the endorphins.
1. I've got my own place. This is a fact that settled in about a week ago, but I'm trying to stretch out that Oh My Gosh!! feeling as long as I can, because life is just more exciting that way.
2. Really though, I love it. It's like having a sleep over every night which gets the child in me really excited.
3. My roomate just made us fair trade brownies. A fact that also gets me really excited.
4. I feel so much regret lately for not pouring into the lives of the people I love like I want to be.
5. I keep wondering when life is going to start feeling real again.
6. An old friendship is making it's way back into my life. And I wish I had the wisdom to know how to deal with it. I really wish I could hear God in it.
7. When I went home the other day, I almost cried seeing my dogs. It's truly the first time that I realized that I like them.
8. I feel like God has put some serious blinders on me lately. I think it's a humility thing, but it just feels annoying.
9. Soymilk has recently become a regular part of my life.
10. So has running. I love the endorphins.
4.15.2010
imperfections.
I'm finding it hard to love myself lately. Physically, I mean. After Discovery I've been pretty consistently content with myself, remembering how many times I heard the word "beautiful" directed towards me and daily seeing the crocheted bracelet on my wrist that reminds me that I'm worthy. But lately those things have only been dim shadows to the much louder voices that scream that I'm horrifying, disgusting and so completely insufficient. God's allowed me to get so many things from my head to my heart, but my self worth is not one of those things. Not yet, at least.
The funny thing, though, is that I used to pride myself on not being vain. I used to turn my nose up to people who spent hours in front of the mirror and obsessed over shopping and constantly looking perfect, because I would never do things like that... But something He's taught me is that I'm playing the exact same game as they are, just on the opposite end of it. The truth is that all of those things, a beautiful face, flawless hair, small waist, they're all as important to me as they are to everyone else, it's just that because I don't believe that I can achieve those things, I give up on it all together and wallow in self pity instead. That is not freedom, that is just as much bondage as the girl who constantly turns heads but is never satisfied with her life.
So what does freedom look like? I think I have a good idea. I think it's having pride in yourself but not being prideful. It's looking nice because you love yourself, but not because you're in love with yourself. It's not starving yourself, but also not overeating because you figure "what's the use?". It's focusing on how God values you and not how others value you, and realizing that the woman of God is not beautiful because of her small waist or blond hair, but because of her heart and her desire to glorify God in all she does.
God, help me.
The funny thing, though, is that I used to pride myself on not being vain. I used to turn my nose up to people who spent hours in front of the mirror and obsessed over shopping and constantly looking perfect, because I would never do things like that... But something He's taught me is that I'm playing the exact same game as they are, just on the opposite end of it. The truth is that all of those things, a beautiful face, flawless hair, small waist, they're all as important to me as they are to everyone else, it's just that because I don't believe that I can achieve those things, I give up on it all together and wallow in self pity instead. That is not freedom, that is just as much bondage as the girl who constantly turns heads but is never satisfied with her life.
So what does freedom look like? I think I have a good idea. I think it's having pride in yourself but not being prideful. It's looking nice because you love yourself, but not because you're in love with yourself. It's not starving yourself, but also not overeating because you figure "what's the use?". It's focusing on how God values you and not how others value you, and realizing that the woman of God is not beautiful because of her small waist or blond hair, but because of her heart and her desire to glorify God in all she does.
God, help me.
3.03.2010
Tapes
In one of those moods where you know it's not worth your time, but self pity is all too easy to swim in. I'll be back tomorrow.
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